Someone you know ill? Watch what you say, and to whom.

Susan Silk and Barry Goldman

April 7, 2013

When Susan had breast cancer, we heard a lot of lame remarks, but our favorite came from one of Susan’s colleagues. She wanted, she needed, to visit Susan after the surgery, but Susan didn’t feel like having visitors, and she said so. Her colleague’s response? “This isn’t just about you.”

“It’s not?” Susan wondered. “My breast cancer is not about me? It’s about you?”

The same theme came up again when our friend Katie had a brain aneurysm. She was in intensive care for a long time and finally got out and into a step-down unit. She was no longer covered with tubes and lines and monitors, but she was still in rough shape. A friend came and saw her and then stepped into the hall with Katie’s husband, Pat. “I wasn’t prepared for this,” she told him. “I don’t know if I can handle it.”

This woman loves Katie, and she said what she did because the sight of Katie in this condition moved her so deeply. But it was the wrong thing to say. And it was wrong in the same way Susan’s colleague’s remark was wrong.

Susan has since developed a simple technique to help people avoid this mistake. It works for all kinds of crises: medical, legal, financial, romantic, even existential. She calls it the Ring Theory.

Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma. For Katie’s aneurysm, that’s Katie. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma. In the case of Katie’s aneurysm, that was Katie’s husband, Pat. Repeat the process as many times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones. When you are done you have a Kvetching Order. One of Susan’s patients found it useful to tape it to her refrigerator.

Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, “Life is unfair” and “Why me?” That’s the one payoff for being in the center ring.

Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.

When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you’re going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn’t, don’t say it. Don’t, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don’t need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, “I’m sorry” or “This must really be hard for you” or “Can I bring you a pot roast?” Don’t say, “You should hear what happened to me” or “Here’s what I would do if I were you.” And don’t say, “This is really bringing me down.”

If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that’s fine. It’s a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.

Comfort IN, dump OUT.

There was nothing wrong with Katie’s friend saying she was not prepared for how horrible Katie looked, or even that she didn’t think she could handle it. The mistake was that she said those things to Pat. She dumped IN.

Complaining to someone in a smaller ring than yours doesn’t do either of you any good. On the other hand, being supportive to her principal caregiver may be the best thing you can do for the patient.

Most of us know this. Almost nobody would complain to the patient about how rotten she looks. Almost no one would say that looking at her makes them think of the fragility of life and their own closeness to death. In other words, we know enough not to dump into the center ring. Ring Theory merely expands that intuition and makes it more concrete: Don’t just avoid dumping into the center ring, avoid dumping into any ring smaller than your own.

Remember, you can say whatever you want if you just wait until you’re talking to someone in a larger ring than yours.

And don’t worry. You’ll get your turn in the center ring. You can count on that.

Susan Silk is a clinical psychologist. Barry Goldman is an arbitrator and mediator and the author of “The Science of Settlement: Ideas for Negotiators.”

via Someone you know ill? Watch what you say, and to whom –


17 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. jbaird
    Apr 08, 2013 @ 09:55:52

    This is fantastic advice. I’ve never heard it expressed that way, but it makes loads of sense. I’ve certainly been in that central circle enough times, including now, and know how it feels to hear words of support and comfort. Thanks for sharing this gem. xo


  2. Anonymous
    Apr 08, 2013 @ 10:01:13

    Agree – it’s a wonderful way to conceptualize what most of us do intuitively most of the time…and can help everyone avoid missteps. Thanks Lori!


  3. Cathy Page
    Apr 08, 2013 @ 11:12:25

    Jan – this is really good, isn’t it!! Helpful to me in understanding the place in the center (whether me or someone else), and in my differing places in the concentric circles in different relationships. Thanks for sharing it!


    • jbaird
      Apr 08, 2013 @ 11:28:50

      Yes, Cathy, this is really good. You are right: we all have differing places in the concentric circles depending on the relationship. Glad I could share it.


    • Lori
      Apr 08, 2013 @ 17:47:53

      Thanks for stopping by, Cathy! I agree this lends a lot of clarity, no matter which circle we find ourselves.


  4. Rudolf Hitz
    Apr 08, 2013 @ 11:29:54

    It seems to me, that this is the most important lesson to learn in life. Nothing has more healing-effect: not only for the person in need, but for my own soul as well.


    • Lori
      Apr 08, 2013 @ 17:45:50

      It is a life lesson, isn’t it? I will be using it in all sorts of ways. Or at least I hope so… Thanks for your comment!!


  5. The Savvy Sister
    Apr 08, 2013 @ 12:27:41

    Wonderful advice!


  6. Jackie
    Apr 08, 2013 @ 13:06:47

    What an excellent article! I’ll remember the Ring Theory! Hope I haven’t offended you. Chances are I have. With a new set of eyes and a great practice, I hope to never say anything offensive again! That might take a lot of practice…..


  7. NotDownOrOut
    Apr 08, 2013 @ 13:37:03

    When I was diagnosed a former work associate called people to let them know I was terminal and they should contact me to say goodbye. It led to some funny phone calls. I had to call the woman and clear things up before someone started organizing a memorial service for me. She was well-meaning but had not heard of TMI.


    • Lori
      Apr 08, 2013 @ 17:44:10

      OY!! Amazing what comes from people who simply (though unintentionally) are not thinking.

      PS I’m very glad you are still here!!!!


  8. Anonymous
    Apr 09, 2013 @ 23:22:26

    Thanks for simplifying and making sometimes awkward conversations easier to deliver.


  9. bcrcrider
    Jun 07, 2013 @ 14:38:06

    Reblogged this on Riding the BC Roller Coaster and commented:
    This is incredibly spot on, and so well-explained. I might have to draw my own diagram, although being nearly out of primary treatment, I’m less likely to run into this problem – at least with this crisis.


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